I would be lying if I didn't admit that it was partially lack of time and being spread too thin but a lot of it this past year is because I was taking time away from things that didn't edify my time with my family. Taking more time to be in the moment than being obsessed with documenting it. I still take pictures, I still write my letters to my kids but I share less and experience more.
Last I posted we were struggling with infertility, and I was convinced that I was never going to have another biological child. I started to look back at my career and take steps to go back to work. Entered into higher biblical education and looked at moving forward. In all honesty I was not surrendered to having another child. We confided this division of Dan's fervent belief our family was not complete and my lack of belief in myself to carry another child to friends and mentors of ours. The response of the couple was "as long as you are divided you cannot move forward."
They were right. Later that following week I was on my face to God. I admitted that I was sad, and scared, that I didn't want to declare any huge declarations because what if I failed? What if we lost this baby too? Every opposition you could imagine I had it and Gods answer to me was "trust me."
I don't know if I was there, Id love to tell you that I did immediately trust him and there was a beautiful sunrise and all was well but all I could muster was "Ok God, your will be done."
On Christmas morning I found out I was pregnant.
My pregnancy went on week after uneventful week where I hung in there through SPD, Hyperemesis, Sciatica, and all of those other fun pregnancy happenings. This pregnancy was my hardest and my most debilitating. However, we watched more than one friend lose their babies, deliver early or have devastating news and my complications seemed minor. I trusted that God was going to provide. Even through the moments of fear I did have around her anatomy scan I knew we would have her with us and I trusted in that gift from God.
Where we shot ourselves in the foot was thinking this little baby was going to be cooperative at all and come early like her brother did. Instead I had on and off prodromal labor from the end of August until Mid September. I remember being on a mom date with a good friend of mine sobbing in her car hoping that this baby would be born in August because I didn't want her to be born around Gianni's birthday. My friend reassured me that she would come before then and that was "super late" for her to be born... but the weeks drug on... and on... and on...
My due date of August 24th came and went... we waited and prayed and waited some more. Nothing. We joked about her needing to be well done, me making a comfortable home for her and reminding ourselves that God was in control. That she would come when she was ready and that we were signed on for however long it would be. In the midst of this however, our midwife and another family had a devastating loss. They delivered their baby sleeping and we all mourned with them. Our midwife was visibly shaken at our next appointment and insisted on talking alternative options with us. At this point I was 42 weeks and 1day. She checked me and there was no progress, I was devastated. I knew in my heart that this home birth and VBAC weren't going to happen. All I wanted was for my last vaginal delivery to not be the same delivery where I knew I was delivering a baby that would leave me. We agreed to call our back up perinatologist and get checked out on Monday. 9/11. The day before Gianni's birthday. Our appointment was at 9am.
Dan and I called all of our family and told them what was going on. Asked for prayer and settled in to our new reality. My mom came and left almost as quickly because my niece decided to come two weeks before her due date, my sister in law had an unmedicated birth and Lilah came on 9/10.
I lost it. I told Dan I needed some time and I went to take a shower. I put on my worship music and I ugly face cried. It seems so superficial but it hurt so deeply to let go of all of those desires and know there was a reason to so fully believe that God had a plan and I was just not able to have all the answers then. So I cried out. I gave all my pain. All my lost expectations. My hopes. I cried for my son... I cried until it was all out. Dan and I stayed up until 3am. We couldn't sleep. We prayed. We cried. He reassured me that we were doing the right thing by going in and getting more answers.
"How big do you think that baby is?"
"I don't feel like she's any bigger than my others and they were 8 and half to 9lbs."
"Id feel better if we give you an ultrasound just to make sure everything is where we think it is."
I go to lay down on the table and my water breaks. "never mind" he says "guess we're going to take you in right now." We start furiously making phone calls and getting family settled and on their way. Making sure some one was there to pick up big kids and meet my mom and before we knew it we were on our way. I didn't have time to think. Dan was on both my and his phone texting and calling while a nurse jogged my wheelchair to L&D.
Dan explained to my nurses and my doctor why I was a little disconnected and why I needed a little extra handling and my nurses were amazing and so was our doctor. It brought part of the restoration I needed. In my partner, and my medical team. Things never slowed down and they offered to check me to see if I could just start pushing. I agreed and when they went to check me they found she was face presenting. They tried to let me down easy but I was on board at that point. I was team get the baby out safely, and moments later we were in the OR. Everything was calm and strangely peaceful. Not one moment where there was worry or anxiety. In those moments I received complete restoration. I had a beautiful healthy baby girl with my husband and it looked nothing like I had planned, nothing like I imagined but exactly how God had planned it.
He knew better than I.
We welcomed Esmerelda Sabine
at 11:23am on September 11th 2017
Weighing 10lbs 11oz and Measuring 22in.
