We have so much to be thankful for and so many things that this next school year is bringing for us that I should be able to flood you with our happenings and thoughts and expectations but I am unable to find exactly what to say or rather how to say it.
We accomplished Dan finishing law school and taking the BAR exam. Evie finished her first year in school and is getting ready to start another. We are looking at buying our home. My son might soon be fully potty trained which means he will possibly maybe, with luck, not be the first child to enter kindergarten in diapers. Until earlier this evening I didn't have high hopes for that prospect. In other parts of my family I had my younger brother get married to an amazing woman and my brother in law get engaged to what I can only describe as his ultimately perfect match. My new niece is an amazing little being and I am so glad to have her as a cousin for my children.
I'm looking at a full ministry plate this year with our church and I could not be happier and my husband looked at me with a crooked smile as I was telling him that Tuesday-Thursday was filled with obligations and ministry opportunities all to have Saturday and Sunday as rotation days to learn other parts of our church and how they function... only to have him say "I knew you wouldn't be happy until you were there at least 5 days out of the week." He isn't wrong.
Just so many things to be thankful for and all of that seems to be dim right now... because in the midst of all this... I expected there to be another baby. There isn't.
This is something that I have struggled with my whole adult woman life (roughly two decades) and When I lost my first child shortly after his birth it changed who I was, fundamentally. My marriage failed. I became somewhat obsessed with having more children. A myriad of miscarriages and two years later my daughter arrived and I was content with her being the only one. I wanted her. I needed her to be a girl because I didn't want to look into her face and see my son. I stayed in a very dark place for longer than I would like to admit and sometimes that demon still creeps in.
When I had my son I called him my summer thunderstorm, because he was unexpected and very needed. I didn't know what I was missing but God knew. He knew we all needed that little boy in our lives.
After that ... we started talking about more. We started to try for another baby knowing it would take time and effort and probably a little bit of science. I expected for a few months maybe a year... Well that year has come and gone and there is still no baby.
I'm struggling. I'm in my 30s. What if we aren't meant to have more? How much longer do we try? How much longer do we pray for this? How do we know if the answer is no or not right now? As a follower of Christ I am so conflicted, because I am also a control freak and I just want to know if this literal cycle will end.
Whenever I am brave enough to open up about this I'm told the same few things that seem helpful but just aren't. Not because they aren't good advice or that I hadn't already thought of them but because my brain doesn't just work that way and it falls into the easier said than done category.
"Let go and let God."
"Trust in His timing."
"God knows the desires of your heart."
"Its all part of his plan."
Great. Thanks. I appreciate that... Really I do and I appreciate any one who takes the time to listen to me and give words of encouragement. I just cannot let go of this anchor in my life. Which has left me asking God "What do we do now?" And its just not who I am. If you ask any one else about any one thing that is uncertain in my life I can tell you that God has a plan and that I will be provided for because God has always provided for me. Even at my darkest God has never forsaken me and I. KNOW. THAT. In my bones I know and live that...
The doubt, pain and sadness that secondary infertility due to PCOS has caused us is fairly immeasurable.
I find myself in a place where I don't really know where to go next. I find myself waiting and wondering. Praying and being quiet. Not wanting to take things into my own hands and cause a forward facing butterfly effect because I'm a nerd that thinks of things like that.
Just like everything else... I guess I will have to wait and see.
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